It has been almost 20 years since it started and I have to recognize the signs on depression. I also compare depression as a cancer going into remission, that what you climb out of that pit it doesn’t mean that it can not ever swallow you in again. Each day is a battle, each day I have remind myself that I matter, that there are people (like my mother) that sees me. And I was doing well for a good few years until I had fertility problems. I felt utterly useless as a woman, because the one biological thing I am suppose to do I CAN’T. Again my mother helped me through a very difficult time and I found that I am not as alone in this as I thought. I starting seeing woman from all ages and shapes who had the same pain as I. I vowed that I will be much more open about my fertility and not longer suffer in silence. Before; my depression was my downfall… my dirty little secret that I wanted to share with no one, but this time I felt at ease.
Many woman said that it was refreshing that I speak so candidly about infertility. My response has always been that I don’t have sleepless nights about something I have no control over. And ridding myself of that I came into myself. I discovered that it is OK, that being pregnant and giving birth does not make you a mother. I doted on my niece and still today love her with all my heart.7
However in May of 2021 my husband took my to the doctor because I was convinced that I was dying of heart failure, and was diagnosed with anxiety. My “anxiety” turned out to be a perfect little person, who has just turned 2 in Feb and her name is Lyra. I am note sure if ridding myself from all there extra baggage has contributed to me falling pregnant naturally but I had the Lord’s favour.
